The #1 Secret Mistake That’s Ruining Your Friendships

Have you ever walked away from a text or interaction feeling off, only to later realize the story you told yourself wasn’t even true? Yeah... same.

In this post, I want to talk about one of the most common and destructive mistakes we make in friendship—and it’s one I’ve personally wrestled with. It’s the mistake of making assumptions.

What does it look like to make assumptions?

It’s when you:

• Decide someone’s mad at you based on a tone or look

• Tell yourself they don’t like you anymore

• Choose not to invite someone because you “already know what they’d say”

• React to a conversation like it’s a personal attack—without clarifying first

• Write an entire narrative in your head based on limited or half-truths

And here’s the brutal truth:

Assumptions kill friendships.

Because when we act on a belief that hasn’t been verified—even if it feels real—we start treating others based on fiction, not fact. And that fiction can lead to distance, mistrust, and eventually, the breakdown of the relationship.

The self-fulfilling prophecy of assumptions

I've watched people in my life spiral into assumption loops. And I’ve done it myself. We make up stories in our heads, and before we know it, we’re acting cold, distant, or defensive… all based on a false narrative.

It’s heartbreaking.

Because we’re not just reacting—we’re writing people off based on an imagined version of what we think they’re thinking. And when you believe someone’s mad at you, you start pulling away… which then makes them pull away… and suddenly, the relationship starts to crumble for no real reason at all.

That’s the self-fulfilling prophecy of assumptions.

How to stop assumptions from ruining your friendships

Here’s the practice I’ve been using (and honestly, it’s been life-giving):

1. Pause and self-reflect.

   Ask yourself: Is this thought true? Do I know this for a fact?

2. Use the 3-question filter:

   • Is it true?

   • Is it helpful?

   • Is it kind?

   If the answer to any of those is no, it’s time to pause the spiral.

3. Get curious, not accusatory.
   When possible, check in with the other person. Try:

   “Hey, I’ve been telling myself a story about what happened the other day, and I just want to ask—are we good?”

4. Replace assumptions with direct conversations.
   This feels vulnerable, I know. But truth builds trust. Assumptions build walls.

Why assumptions feel protective—but aren’t

Sometimes we cling to assumptions because they feel like armor. If I convince myself you’re mad at me, I can start to protect myself from you. But in reality, all I’m doing is building distance and sabotaging connection.

If I’m going to be the kind of friend I say I want to be, I have to stop assuming.

I have to ask, not guess.

I have to be brave enough to clarify—even if the answer might hurt.

That’s real friendship.

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If this blog resonated, you'll love the full video I recorded on this topic.

You might also like:

• The 3 Types of Conversations You Need to Build Deep Friendships

• 7 Biggest Turnoffs That Push People Away in Friendship

Zoe Asher is a friendship and connection coach, corporate speaker, and host of the Accidentally Intentional podcast. Through practical tools and real talk, she helps people go from feeling disconnected to building friendships that actually last. Her mission is simple: destroy loneliness and teach the skill of meaningful connection — whether that’s in everyday life or in the workplace.

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🎙 Or keep hanging out with her on the Accidentally Intentional podcast.