The 3 Types of Conversations That Make or Break a Deep Friendship
We all want rich, soul-filling friendships.
But most of us get stuck in surface-level small talk—and stay there.
What if I told you that research actually shows the three types of conversations you need in order to build deeper, more meaningful relationships?
This isn’t just a theory—it’s based on work by Dan McAdams, a psychologist who studied what he calls the three levels of intimacy. I’ve simplified his research into what I call the Three Interactions That Build Rich Friendships.
Let’s break them down.
1. Catch-Up Conversations
These are the “How was your weekend?” and “What do you do?” convos.
They’re basic—but they matter.
Even though we often dismiss small talk as shallow, it plays an important role:
It’s how our brain learns safety. We gather the basics to see if we feel comfortable moving forward.
But here’s the catch:
If we never move past catch-up mode, we stay stuck.
Sometimes that’s because we’ve been hurt. One bad friendship or betrayal can spook us into believing it’s safer to stay at the surface.
But friend, just because one person broke your trust doesn’t mean everyone will.
(And if that hit you, go listen to episode one of my podcast. I share more of my story there.)
2. Meaningful Conversations
This is where the magic starts.
You begin asking questions like:
“What’s your biggest passion?”
“What’s the best part of your day?”
“Are you working on anything that excites you right now?”
These questions light people up.
They peel back a layer—hello, Shrek onion reference—and move you closer to someone’s heart.
If you’ve ever asked a question that made someone pause and say, “Whoa, no one’s ever asked me that before”…
That’s this level.
3. Vulnerable Conversations (Self-Disclosure)
This is where deep friendship takes root.
Self-disclosure is about sharing your story.
Not your highlight reel—your real story.
This might sound like:
“What’s your biggest fear?”
“Who’s your role model and why?”
“Was there a moment in life when you didn’t know if you’d make it—but you did?”
These kinds of shares aren’t just info. They’re invitations.
To trust.
To connect.
To see and be seen.
I used to ask that last question in college all the time when I was going through a rough season.
I wanted to be reminded that people could make it through hard things—and in return, those conversations gave both of us life.
It’s why I have “rise again” tattooed on my arm.
Want to Build Real Friendship? You’ll Need All Three
Here’s the thing most people miss:
You can’t skip straight to deep vulnerability without first building trust with the basics.
But if you only ever stay in “safe mode,” you’ll never experience the joy of being truly known.
Rich relationships require risk.
But they also bring reward.
If you’ve been craving deeper friendships, check in with yourself:
Which of these three levels do you tend to get stuck at? And what might it look like to lean one level deeper?
📺 Want the Full Breakdown?
This blog was inspired by a full episode of Accidentally Intentional, where I explain each level of conversation in detail (WITH questions for each one) and give examples of how to practice them.
It’s one of those episodes I wish every adult could see—because so many of us are lonely, not because we don’t have people… but because we’re stuck on level one.
Let’s fix that.
Zoe Asher is a friendship and connection coach, corporate speaker, and host of the Accidentally Intentional podcast. Through practical tools and real talk, she helps people go from feeling disconnected to building friendships that actually last. Her mission is simple: destroy loneliness and teach the skill of meaningful connection — whether that’s in everyday life or in the workplace.
🗣 Want Zoe to speak at your event or work with your team? Click here to learn more.
🎙 Or keep hanging out with her on the Accidentally Intentional podcast & YouTube show.